Kind On Purpose

 

I've been thinking a lot about kindness lately.  Maybe because the world seems a little crazy right now with so much uncertainty, conflict and division everywhere I look - and it's a BIG world.  Way bigger than I can fix.

If I change my perspective just a little from that great, big world to MY world, I find some hope.  My world is really very limited - it's the people and things within my reach at any given moment.... wherever I am.... whatever I'm doing.

There's another change in perspective that gives me even more hope.  It's not my job to fix every person and situation that crosses my path.  Instead, I try to focus on leaving things better than I found them.  As special as I'd like to think I am, God didn't make me the complete solution to every problem.  Shocking.  

There is one more important idea that I need to carry with me everywhere I go: most people are just like me - a little weighed down by what it takes to make it from one day to the next.... skinned knees and bruises in a broken world.  When I let this thought borough into my heart, it's a game changer.

So what?

When I start each day, I ask God to find ways to use me.  I ask Him to give me the wisdom to see those opportunities.  I ask Him for the strength and courage to dive in and be used.  It can be a scary prayer.  But it's less scary when I remember:

My world is pretty small

I only have to leave things better than I found them

Each person needs a spoonful of kindness

When I start the day with these things in my pocket, it's remarkable how many opportunities start popping up.  What's even more remarkable is how less daunting it is to take a step toward situations I would have just passed by.  

Pay for the person behind you at Starbucks - and ask the cashier to tell them "I hope this lifts your day a little".

Let the cashier know that you appreciate their work... smile and laugh a little.

Make dinner (or takeout) for a family member or neighbor  - especially when you know they could use a break.

Call (or send a card) a friend or loved one to let them know they aren't forgotten.

Meet a friend for conversation.

Honestly, it takes so very little to shine wherever you are.  It's not the grand, look at me gestures - it's the little things.  Let God nudge you.  What you'll discover is that if you start with small steps, soon you'll be running.

I'm letting Him nudge me - every day.  I'm thinking about being kind on purpose.... and hoping that when God needs me, I'll be there.

A Puny God

 

There is a scene near the end of the first Avengers movie - 

Loki (the villain) is attempting to take over the earth.  His effort is falling apart and he is confronted by Hulk in the Stark Tower penthouse.  In a last gasp of utter defiance, Loki declares "I am a God".  Hulk responds by grabbing Loki by the ankles and whipping him back and forth like a rag doll to the point that the concrete floor is actually shattered under the force of the blows and Loki lays there, defeated.  Hulk walks away and mutters "puny God".

This scene reminds me so much of myself - especially in the volatile times we find ourselves.  Life takes a turn I would never have seen coming and the Christian version of me declares (in utter defiance of the craziness going on around me) "I have a God".  The worldly version of me fixates on all the bad consequences, runs around and tries to fix things as though "I am a God".  These two versions of me somehow co-exist and at any given moment I have to be able to ask myself (and honestly answer) which version am I giving the world and especially those I say I love the most.  One version definitely looks more like Jesus than the other.

It's not easy... and I fail and fall far too often for someone who's been at this for 40 years.  Life has a way of tossing us around like rag dolls.  Something happens and we remember "I have a God" and maybe we pray.  We try to lay this thing down and let God have it... and then probably get busy trying to solve it ourselves as doubt and worry creep in (I am a God).  Like I said, it's not easy.  It's not easy to know when (or how) to completely release circumstances that create worry or fear or heartbreak or defeat or failure or anger.

Thankfully, I don't have to have the answer - I don't have to have perfect discernment over when to rest (letting go and letting God) and when to work (get up and do the right thing).  Even if I had the answer, I'm still going to get it wrong... a lot.

Here's something I do know:

There are consequences when I trade "I have a God" for "I am a God".  

Nothing that life throws my way gives me permission to stop loving the people around me.  Nothing going on in my life makes it okay for me to be unkind.  It's never okay for me to stand in the corner, arms crossed, toe tapping impatiently, waiting for you to come to your senses.  My inability to deal with circumstances doesn't make me the boss of you (as though being the boss of you will change the circumstances).  My weakness is not a free pass to be mean-spirited.  Jesus, hanging on the cross, asking God to forgive his persecutors reminds me just how true this is.

This begs the question - how do I know when I've crossed the line?  

I'm on pretty solid ground when I start with this - "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Peace".  

Turmoil in my mind, my heart and my relationships tells me that I've wandered from "I have a God" and into "I am a God".   

"I have a God" brings Peace.  

"I am a God" all too often brings turmoil.   

Life will grab me by the ankles and slam me around like a rag-doll and remind me...  

I'm a puny God. 

But I don't have to stay in the crater of my own crash landing because...

"I have a God"

And that's the version of me I want you to see - even when my world is upside down.

Heartbroken?

if you live long enough, you will have time to imagine how the story of your life will unfold.  given time, you can insert future chapters that reflect your deepest heart's desires.  in quiet moments, you can read ahead and the story you've written warms your heart.  there, in those chapters yet to come, your heart is laid bare.

if you live long enough, you will have time for life to lay waste to more than one of those imagined chapters.  the messiness of life steps in and gives no consideration to the vulnerability of a heart completely invested in a future that simply will not come to pass.

heartbroken.

your heart breaks because it was tied to something breakable.  imagined chapter 17 has been shredded and that part of your heart is fractured - and fear seizes the moment.  the realization that you have less control than you thought can leave you frustrated, angry...  paralyzed.  fear finds it's surest footing in the cracks of a broken heart - a heart too tied to breakable things.

hope for a broken heart...

God makes this easy for us - but we seem to insist on complicating things.  here is hope - wrap your heart in the unshakable promises of God.

• God is Creator
• God is Sovereign
• God is Faithful
• God is for you

life will constantly present storms that seem hopeless.  waves will crash over you.  chapters will be written and re-written without your consent.  tears will fall.

but...

a heart wrapped in the certainty of the promises of God will always find it's way to hope.  a heart invested in God will see tomorrow's victory through the haze of today's trials.  we live in a fallen world and there is no avoiding the sting of disappointment... grief... loss...  we are never without hope and help...  

God is the God of the heartbroken.  

God is the great physician.  

God is our wounded healer.

When Love Came Down

When Love Came Down

2021-12-22

when love came down

it could be a parent, a teacher, a sibling or a friend... we can easily recall a time when we disappointed someone.  maybe they met our failure with a cold shoulder...  a cold stare...  disappointment written on their face... when love came down, our failure wasn't met with arms folded, toe tapping or stern look.  love didn't sit in a corner and pout about how we hurt it - waiting for us to come to our senses and grovel back with an acceptable apology.  love came with open arms, forgiveness and a willingness to meet us (in all our messiness).  love didn't wait for us to be good enough or acceptable enough.  

when love came down

we've all seen the celebrations...  parades for sports teams, award shows for celebrities.  maybe we've heard stories about famous people who play the "don't you know who i am" card when trying to get out of a sticky situation.  or those stories about that local legend who never has to buy a meal in their hometown.  adulation. attention. fanfare.  when love came down, there were no parades or parties. it was a quiet, starry night in a small town...  in a barn...  love did not demand billboards or acclaim.  shepherds, wise men, sacrificial gifts given to the gift of sacrifice.  

when love came down

in the end, i suppose we all answer to someone.  a boss? a parent? the bank? the irs? government?  we live in a world of rules and under the authority of others. when love came down, it didn't come with the hardness of a demanding, punishing king... or some kind of ruler with thoughts only of itself.  love came as one of us....  a baby, a kid, a son, a carpenter, a teacher....  a savior.  no demands to "get in line with the program".  love invites.... it doesn't crack a whip. love hopes....  it doesn't regulate.  love waits.... for as long as it takes.

when love came down

at Christmas, we remember that love came down.  not as victim, not as celebrity, not as an earthly ruler.  love came, and gave, and died, and rose...  and stands at the door, with the best gift ever, and knocks. 

God With Us

In the midst of the season...  never forget...

Immanuel - God with us.
In Genesis, God appeared to a naked, frightened Adam and Eve.  "Where are you?".   A question posed solely for their benefit, not God's.  They had lost their way and the best solution they could find was to hide.  Lost and hiding, nakedness covered by their own devices.  God arrives in the moment of their deepest need, in the middle of the mess they made and greets their self inflicted tragedy with compassion.  God will not abide their hiding or ignore their need.  but sin has consequences.   an animal sacrifice would be required to cover their nakedness.  a legacy of separation and struggle, born of a desire to be "like God", was forged that day.  Immanuel intervened with the promise of heaven's hope for all man.  God with us.

Immanuel - God with us.
four thousand years later (and not just a few skinned knees and broken hearts), God appeared again - to seek and save that which had gotten lost.  Immanuel.  the bridegroom had come for His bride, but she was reluctant.  He had come with needle and thread to weave a garment fit for eternity.  He had come with a message that there is no sin beyond the reach of His forgiveness.  but sin has consequences.  once again, we would be reminded that clothing our nakedness would come at a price.  Mary treasured these things in her heart.  Immanuel.  God with us.  Golgotha.  Once for all.  An empty tomb.  the legacy of separation -  broken.   God with us.

Immanuel - God with us.
two thousand years later, at the point of my need, in the middle of my mess, God appeared again.  "You are not beyond my reach.  You are not without hope and help.  Hide and seek is over, I have found you.  I have your robe.  You are welcome at My table."  Immanuel.  God with me...  God with you.  God with us.

then and again - a "yes" story

then and again - a "yes" story
tim pezzelle
december 2014
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"be careful what you pray for".  that might have been the title of this story.  or perhaps, "here we go again".  although these titles would be descriptive not only of the content of the story, but of the emotional journey; they carry a connotation that doesn't ring true.  "then and again"....  because i know the story, i know that this title hits the mark.  i hope you'll agree as you read the last words and ponder the mystery of God's mercy.
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then....  summer of 1991...  specifically, a tenth wedding anniversary.  sherry felt something unusual on her neck a couple of weeks earlier and went to the doctor.  the family practice doctor referred her to a specialist.  the specialist referred her for a biopsy.  and there we were, sitting in an oncology office hearing the news that would change everything.  our tenth anniversary... cancer...  daughters - 3 years old and nine months old. 
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then....  we sat in a nearly empty Olive Garden in mid-afternoon and learned how to breath again.  just sherry and me.... and God.  getting back to basics.  affirming for each other that God owns every heartbeat and every breath and 2 little girls.  whispering to each other through tears and sighs.  wrapping our heads and hearts around where the road was leading us - asking God to wrap his arms around us wherever that might be.
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then....  as simple as it gets.  "please God, let me raise these daughters you gave us".  That was the prayer.  real and raw and laid bare.  we prayed it together, over and over... and peace washed over us.  not that the days ahead would be without human frailty and doubt, but an overriding understanding that this simple prayer found it's way to the throne room and found favor with God.  cancer was bad news, but it wasn't the end - not by a long shot.
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then....  chemo.... radiation... chemo...  remission.  "please God, let me raise these daughters you gave us".  "yes".  we believed in that "yes".  we expected it - or maybe it was overwhelming hope.  or maybe we just didn't allow ourselves to go to the alternative.
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then.... choices in life springing from grateful hearts.  nineteen years of remission.  "please God, let me raise these daughters you gave us".  "yes".
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and
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again....  a milestone - high school graduation for that 9 month old girl - all grown up.
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again....  symptoms.  acid reflux.  difficulty swallowing.  a visit to the family practice doctor.  a referral to an "ENT" doctor.  a preliminary diagnosis.  a referral for a biopsy.  metastatic esophageal cancer.  here we go again.  but, at least for me, it was different this time.  sherry and i were the same.  but the sense of peace was missing.  the prayers were just as heart-felt and sincere,  but doubt hung in the air.
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again...  chemo.  hope.  test results.  fear. "please God, let me raise these daughters you gave us".  "yes, it is finished. time to come home". 
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goodbye.  godspeed. 
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then and again.  similar circumstances with different results.  we didn't see it until it became clear that there would be no reprieve this time.  we prayed that sherry would be able to raise her daughters.  God said "yes", and that's what happened.  a promise kept. she raised her daughters.  they reflect their mother in so many beautiful ways because of those 19 years.  they don't know how hard it is for me to fight back the tears when i see her in them... when i hear her echoes in their voices.... when their hearts beat in rhythm with the way her heart beat.  tears of joy.  tears of gratitude.  tears for a woman who embraced the journey and taught me so much about thanksgiving.
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then and again.  God blessed us.  He granted a reprieve at our request.  He heard a mother's prayer and delayed a homecoming.  It would feel so perfectly natural to be angry with Him.  as those feelings begin to well up inside, i hear His voice - "yes".  I hear the "yes" that gave us 19 extra years and grown daughters.  I hear the "yes" that gave us birthdays and laughter and fun and adventure.  i hear the "yes" that gave me time to grow up as well.
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do you feel angry with God about whatever the current "no" might be?  all i can suggest is to sit quietly for a few moments and allow all of His "yes" answers fill you with gratitude.  do you have trouble finding His "yes" answers?  let me help you.  "God, i can't save myself.  at every turn i screw it up.  please help.".  "yes".  that is the "yes" that matters most.  that is the "yes" that allows you to let go of every temporary "no".  that is the "yes" that lights your path in the darkest "no" moments.  that is the "yes" of amazing grace.

then and again... a "yes" story.

Garden Angel

garden angel
tim pezzelle
2013-08
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on a friday afternoon, in a desert garden near a place of hurt and healing, i had what i hope will remain my most selfish moment.  minutes earlier, i found myself stumbling out of the surgeon's office.  his words were full of pain and compassion - as though he knew what the next minutes, hours and days would be like.  without pulling a single punch, he softened the blows as best he could.
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the cancer in sherry's body had sprung out of control - beyond what any of the scans had revealed.  so much so that a routine kidney stint was impossible to complete.  watching me carefully, he delivered the news - shifting the care he had extended to sherry now toward me.
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there are moments like this in our lives - coming face to face with the reality that any control we think we have is an illusion.  it's like standing a few yards too far in the ocean and being caught off guard by an undertow too powerful to fight.  we are swept off our feet and into unfamiliar territory.... sink or swim.
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i sank.
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i sank into the garden in front of mayo clinic hospital.  it's a beautiful place in the spring - alive and vibrant.  i made it as far as the second bench and sat.  and then the tears started.  as boys we are taught to "tough it out".... "walk it off".... "big boys don't cry"....  these tears were beyond the control of any of those useless guidelines.
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it was just plain old uncontrollable sobbing.  as the consequences of what just happened began to sink in, the emotional response escalated.  i have to tell sherry...  i have to tell the girls...  i have to tell her family, and my family...  i have to finish walking the girls into their lives....  i have to face a future without her...
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i... i... i...  with each "i", the self pitying tears poured out.
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and then i felt her hand on my back and took the cup of water she offered.  a nurse, on a break - trying to find a few minutes of escape from the suffering and need of those she serves.  "what's her name?", she asked.  "where is she now?".  "do you have children?".  "what are their names?".  "how old are they?".  "how did you meet her?".  "how long have you been married?".  "take another drink.".  "tell me what happened.".
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her hand on my back was calming.  the water was distracting.  and her questions gently pulled me back from a dark place. 
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"behold, i am with you always - even unto the ends of the earth".  it felt like the end of the earth.  but there He was - in the form a young woman with an older soul.  there He was - helping me rehearse what i would need to repeat so many times that day.
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and then the blessing.... "it's okay for you to feel all these things you're feeling.  but in a little while she is going to need to know that you are okay.  she's going to need to know that those daughters can count on you.  she's going to need to know that you still trust God.  that's the ministry she needs now, and you are the minister God chose for her.".
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there He was - reminding me that the world doesn't revolve around me.  an angel in a garden in the middle of one of life's messier moments.... pointing me back in the right direction.
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sometimes we need an angel - and there He is.  sometimes He needs an angel - and there we are.  there is a time, a season, to have your needs met... and a time, a season, to be the comfort another needs. 
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be an angel.  that's my hope - that i can be an angel when He needs one.
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"behold, i am with you always...".  He really is.... always...