There is a scene near the end of the first Avengers movie -
Loki (the villain) is attempting to take over the earth. His effort is falling apart and he is confronted by Hulk in the Stark Tower penthouse. In a last gasp of utter defiance, Loki declares "I am a God". Hulk responds by grabbing Loki by the ankles and whipping him back and forth like a rag doll to the point that the concrete floor is actually shattered under the force of the blows and Loki lays there, defeated. Hulk walks away and mutters "puny God".
This scene reminds me so much of myself - especially in the volatile times we find ourselves. Life takes a turn I would never have seen coming and the Christian version of me declares (in utter defiance of the craziness going on around me) "I have a God". The worldly version of me fixates on all the bad consequences, runs around and tries to fix things as though "I am a God". These two versions of me somehow co-exist and at any given moment I have to be able to ask myself (and honestly answer) which version am I giving the world and especially those I say I love the most. One version definitely looks more like Jesus than the other.
It's not easy... and I fail and fall far too often for someone who's been at this for 40 years. Life has a way of tossing us around like rag dolls. Something happens and we remember "I have a God" and maybe we pray. We try to lay this thing down and let God have it... and then probably get busy trying to solve it ourselves as doubt and worry creep in (I am a God). Like I said, it's not easy. It's not easy to know when (or how) to completely release circumstances that create worry or fear or heartbreak or defeat or failure or anger.
Thankfully, I don't have to have the answer - I don't have to have perfect discernment over when to rest (letting go and letting God) and when to work (get up and do the right thing). Even if I had the answer, I'm still going to get it wrong... a lot.
Here's something I do know:
There are consequences when I trade "I have a God" for "I am a God".
Nothing that life throws my way gives me permission to stop loving the people around me. Nothing going on in my life makes it okay for me to be unkind. It's never okay for me to stand in the corner, arms crossed, toe tapping impatiently, waiting for you to come to your senses. My inability to deal with circumstances doesn't make me the boss of you (as though being the boss of you will change the circumstances). My weakness is not a free pass to be mean-spirited. Jesus, hanging on the cross, asking God to forgive his persecutors reminds me just how true this is.
This begs the question - how do I know when I've crossed the line?
I'm on pretty solid ground when I start with this - "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Peace".
Turmoil in my mind, my heart and my relationships tells me that I've wandered from "I have a God" and into "I am a God".
"I have a God" brings Peace.
"I am a God" all too often brings turmoil.
Life will grab me by the ankles and slam me around like a rag-doll and remind me...
I'm a puny God.
But I don't have to stay in the crater of my own crash landing because...
"I have a God"
And that's the version of me I want you to see - even when my world is upside down.
