then and again - a "yes" story
tim pezzelle
december 2014
~~
~~
"be careful what you pray for". that might have been the title of this story. or perhaps, "here we go again". although these titles would be descriptive not only of the content of the story, but of the emotional journey; they carry a connotation that doesn't ring true. "then and again".... because i know the story, i know that this title hits the mark. i hope you'll agree as you read the last words and ponder the mystery of God's mercy.
~~
then.... summer of 1991... specifically, a tenth wedding anniversary. sherry felt something unusual on her neck a couple of weeks earlier and went to the doctor. the family practice doctor referred her to a specialist. the specialist referred her for a biopsy. and there we were, sitting in an oncology office hearing the news that would change everything. our tenth anniversary... cancer... daughters - 3 years old and nine months old.
~~
then.... we sat in a nearly empty Olive Garden in mid-afternoon and learned how to breath again. just sherry and me.... and God. getting back to basics. affirming for each other that God owns every heartbeat and every breath and 2 little girls. whispering to each other through tears and sighs. wrapping our heads and hearts around where the road was leading us - asking God to wrap his arms around us wherever that might be.
~~
then.... as simple as it gets. "please God, let me raise these daughters you gave us". That was the prayer. real and raw and laid bare. we prayed it together, over and over... and peace washed over us. not that the days ahead would be without human frailty and doubt, but an overriding understanding that this simple prayer found it's way to the throne room and found favor with God. cancer was bad news, but it wasn't the end - not by a long shot.
~~
then.... chemo.... radiation... chemo... remission. "please God, let me raise these daughters you gave us". "yes". we believed in that "yes". we expected it - or maybe it was overwhelming hope. or maybe we just didn't allow ourselves to go to the alternative.
~~
then.... choices in life springing from grateful hearts. nineteen years of remission. "please God, let me raise these daughters you gave us". "yes".
~~
and
~~
again.... a milestone - high school graduation for that 9 month old girl - all grown up.
~~
again.... symptoms. acid reflux. difficulty swallowing. a visit to the family practice doctor. a referral to an "ENT" doctor. a preliminary diagnosis. a referral for a biopsy. metastatic esophageal cancer. here we go again. but, at least for me, it was different this time. sherry and i were the same. but the sense of peace was missing. the prayers were just as heart-felt and sincere, but doubt hung in the air.
~~
again... chemo. hope. test results. fear. "please God, let me raise these daughters you gave us". "yes, it is finished. time to come home".
~~
goodbye. godspeed.
~~
then and again. similar circumstances with different results. we didn't see it until it became clear that there would be no reprieve this time. we prayed that sherry would be able to raise her daughters. God said "yes", and that's what happened. a promise kept. she raised her daughters. they reflect their mother in so many beautiful ways because of those 19 years. they don't know how hard it is for me to fight back the tears when i see her in them... when i hear her echoes in their voices.... when their hearts beat in rhythm with the way her heart beat. tears of joy. tears of gratitude. tears for a woman who embraced the journey and taught me so much about thanksgiving.
~~
then and again. God blessed us. He granted a reprieve at our request. He heard a mother's prayer and delayed a homecoming. It would feel so perfectly natural to be angry with Him. as those feelings begin to well up inside, i hear His voice - "yes". I hear the "yes" that gave us 19 extra years and grown daughters. I hear the "yes" that gave us birthdays and laughter and fun and adventure. i hear the "yes" that gave me time to grow up as well.
~~
do you feel angry with God about whatever the current "no" might be? all i can suggest is to sit quietly for a few moments and allow all of His "yes" answers fill you with gratitude. do you have trouble finding His "yes" answers? let me help you. "God, i can't save myself. at every turn i screw it up. please help.". "yes". that is the "yes" that matters most. that is the "yes" that allows you to let go of every temporary "no". that is the "yes" that lights your path in the darkest "no" moments. that is the "yes" of amazing grace.
then and again... a "yes" story.
