Garden Angel

garden angel
tim pezzelle
2013-08
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on a friday afternoon, in a desert garden near a place of hurt and healing, i had what i hope will remain my most selfish moment.  minutes earlier, i found myself stumbling out of the surgeon's office.  his words were full of pain and compassion - as though he knew what the next minutes, hours and days would be like.  without pulling a single punch, he softened the blows as best he could.
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the cancer in sherry's body had sprung out of control - beyond what any of the scans had revealed.  so much so that a routine kidney stint was impossible to complete.  watching me carefully, he delivered the news - shifting the care he had extended to sherry now toward me.
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there are moments like this in our lives - coming face to face with the reality that any control we think we have is an illusion.  it's like standing a few yards too far in the ocean and being caught off guard by an undertow too powerful to fight.  we are swept off our feet and into unfamiliar territory.... sink or swim.
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i sank.
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i sank into the garden in front of mayo clinic hospital.  it's a beautiful place in the spring - alive and vibrant.  i made it as far as the second bench and sat.  and then the tears started.  as boys we are taught to "tough it out".... "walk it off".... "big boys don't cry"....  these tears were beyond the control of any of those useless guidelines.
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it was just plain old uncontrollable sobbing.  as the consequences of what just happened began to sink in, the emotional response escalated.  i have to tell sherry...  i have to tell the girls...  i have to tell her family, and my family...  i have to finish walking the girls into their lives....  i have to face a future without her...
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i... i... i...  with each "i", the self pitying tears poured out.
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and then i felt her hand on my back and took the cup of water she offered.  a nurse, on a break - trying to find a few minutes of escape from the suffering and need of those she serves.  "what's her name?", she asked.  "where is she now?".  "do you have children?".  "what are their names?".  "how old are they?".  "how did you meet her?".  "how long have you been married?".  "take another drink.".  "tell me what happened.".
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her hand on my back was calming.  the water was distracting.  and her questions gently pulled me back from a dark place. 
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"behold, i am with you always - even unto the ends of the earth".  it felt like the end of the earth.  but there He was - in the form a young woman with an older soul.  there He was - helping me rehearse what i would need to repeat so many times that day.
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and then the blessing.... "it's okay for you to feel all these things you're feeling.  but in a little while she is going to need to know that you are okay.  she's going to need to know that those daughters can count on you.  she's going to need to know that you still trust God.  that's the ministry she needs now, and you are the minister God chose for her.".
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there He was - reminding me that the world doesn't revolve around me.  an angel in a garden in the middle of one of life's messier moments.... pointing me back in the right direction.
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sometimes we need an angel - and there He is.  sometimes He needs an angel - and there we are.  there is a time, a season, to have your needs met... and a time, a season, to be the comfort another needs. 
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be an angel.  that's my hope - that i can be an angel when He needs one.
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"behold, i am with you always...".  He really is.... always...