Jealousy

jealousy
(sadly) by tim pezzelle
2013-07
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i have more than one or two very unattractive qualities.  this should come as no surprise to anyone who is honest with themselves.  personal transparent introspection is something i can't seem to avoid these days - just another thing that feeds one of my worst personal characteristics.
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jealousy.
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when i watch television, at least half the time i am watching a station that appeals to advertisers who know that their demographic includes men who want to sit in a bathtub at sunset next to their wife (or, i suppose, significant other) who has her own bathtub.  although i don't quite get the separate bathtubs thing, i'm insanely jealous of that guy and don't really care about his ailment.  they have his and hers tubs and he has a "her" in that other tub.  dude, count your blessings.
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jealousy.
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the other half (probably less) of my television time is bonding with my daughter over anything that has to do with girls buying white dresses.  my day to watch my sweetheart walk down the aisle in her "yes" dress has long passed and i find myself utterly baffled by the things that seem so important to him/her as the big day approaches.  seriously, take a chill pill and latch on to the reality that your hearts have arrived at the same place, in the same pace at the same time...  a minor stinking miracle.  dude...  if you don't like her dress, i'll take her off your hands.
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jealousy.
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my facebook world is filled with wonderful people, living seemingly wonderful lives.... and publishing every precious moment on their timeline....  gag.  vacations. gag. weddings. gag. grandchildren. gag. things as simple as a check-in at a restuarant on a friday night... oh gag.  my only point of reality is that i KNOW those lives have their issues.. that stuff that doesn't make facebook....  bwahahahaaahaa!!!!
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jealousy.
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i go out to run errands like normal people often do. have you ever noticed how many sweet little old couples there are out there?  oh my gosh.  maybe it's just where i live, a sort of retirement centric corner of the world.  but, oh my gosh.  they are EVERYWHERE.  they hold hands and look so adorable.  he holds the door open for her.  oh. my. gosh. then there are the other couples, the ones that have sort given up on romance.  he walks ten steps ahead of her.  really?  old dude...  she was made to be adored by you.  get busy adoring. 
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jealousy.
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so, there it is.  and so much more i haven't said.  i am flawed and a little tortured.  baffled and a little confused.  the truth is that when the sun was shining in my world, i didn't always get it right.  hindsight.  although i have somewhat exaggerated (and hopefully in an amusing way) my response to what i see going on around me, i can't ignore that there is an underlying emotional response to these things.  i suppose it's normal, but i don't really like it much.
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Lord, there are times when this path isn't any fun.  most of the time, i am not the man i want to be for You.  so, if You don't mind, i'd appreciate a moretorium on those cialis and viagra commercials.  amen.