The 15th Step

the 15th step
tim pezzelle
2013-04
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there are moments that reach much deeper than the place memories reside. like all of us, i remember things, events, information, people. i don't know how the brain does it, but we can (usually) fetch these bits of information when we need them. sometimes, the bits bubble up seemingly on their own. we have triggers... an aroma, a song, a smile, a sound... the trigger is pulled and the memory comes shooting to the surface.
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we have 17 steps between the two stories of our home. five and seven and five. it was april 3rd, a few years ago, sherry was coming down those 17 steps while i waited at the bottom for her. we had made arrangements to go to mayo clinic first so that sherry could see her oncologist, knowing that the next stop would be admission to mayo clinic hospital. she stopped on the 15th step.
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there is a scene in The Fellowship of the Ring - frodo and sam are making their way out of the shire, literally running for their lives. as they cross one of the picturesque fields, sam stops dead in his tracks while frodo continues on for several paces. sensing that his companion is no longer there, frodo stops and turns... "what is it, sam?". sam replies, "this is it. this is as far away from home as i've ever been.". sam ran into a wall he wasn't sure he wanted to climb or circumvent. he was leaving all he had ever known behind and a moment like that required pause. a heartbeat or two given to the significance of the next step. an acknowledgement of the choice to embrace the unknown that lay ahead or falter. a summoning of courage.
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there she stood, on the 15th step. from that step, you can see the loft above; the dining room, the living room and part of the kitchen below. if you're sherry, you see the places that frame some of your favorite memories. big family dinners.... cozy coffee chats with friends... homeschooling with the girls... praying in color in the kitchen nook... the next few steps would take her somewhere she'd never been. a needed pause....
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she stood there for a few moments. i stepped up on to the 16th step - which made us about the same height. "i'll be back, right?". what do you say to that? "i'm really counting on it, sweetheart." is all i could muster. a kiss... a hug... two steps down and out the door.... never to return.
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sometimes i torment myself with the question... did she suspect what was ahead? did she know how those next 17 days were going to play out? i don't think so. i think it was a natural pause, given the circumstances. it was an acknowledgement, like sam's, that she was headed for something unknown. it was courageous - and finding that courage took a brief conversation with God. a few heartbeats with the One who owned her every heartbeat.
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yesterday is gone. tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. today is our 15th step. today is the chance we get to trust that God can handle the next step.... the one that takes us somewhere we've never been.... the one that asks more of us than we thought we could give... the one that changes us... when you find yourself on the 15th step, remember how God was next to you the 14 steps before... and that He promises you'll never take another step alone.